Lost Like Tears In Rain.

How I wish things were so much more simple and easy, like they used to be. I think that you don’t truly realise how much of your life was dedicated to one person until after they’ve gone: the friday nights where you knew you’d be going to theirs; your weekend consisting of at least a day of being with them; meeting them every breaktime at school. You realise how much time you spent with one person. When its gone you feel lost. You’re not quite sure what to spend your time doing, and you think to yourself “what the hell did I do beforehand?!”.

I could say that this has made me a stronger person and that I am free and single and moving on. I want to, but I’m not. However much I try, everything traces back to you, what we had, and how I miss it. The thought that after fifteen months of happiness, friendship and love, it’s just gone. Even if the love has gone, then surely you should care about me? This probably sounds really pathetic and needy, but it will take me time to get over this as it was so long, and that fact that I was genuinely in love.

I have no idea where I stand. Well, I know how you feel, that was made pretty damn clear, but what about keeping up a rapport? I feel that as, in my eyes anyway, that it was such a good relationship so why now can’t we be friends? I find it so hard to speak to you, to look you in the eye and know that there no longer is any love or affection in your eyes when you look at me, to make any sense when I do manage to say a few words. I feel ashamed… well, I’m not completely sure that is the emotion I feel but it’s the best one I can link it to right now. But I shouldn’t. I did nothing wrong, other than love you in the best way I could. And if that was too much for you to take, then that isn’t my fault. But why does it feel so much like it is?

I still want a friendship if nothing else. We were close friends before our relationship, and as neither of us did anything to make us hate eachother, then surely we can manage that? Otherwise it feels like what we had meant nothing. I know it may be hard to begin with, but I think it is worth it. And I’m not pushing it, but how can our friendship continue if we don’t talk or see eachother?

I just realised I’ve moaned about my life for a fair amount, and I haven’t even got started on exams or anything else, but I guess that can wait for another time.