Thistles & Weeds.

Everything seems to be rolling into one terrible blur. I'm geniunely pretty worried about myself, which I don't actually care about too much most of the time. Usually I am more worried about pleasing others rather than trying to please myself- I get much more satisfaction out of making the ones I love happy and smile, even if I have to go out of my way for them or if I have my own problems.

Maybe that's been the problem though?

Perhaps I haven't looked after myself? Maybe I've spent the past eight months or so focussing on everyone else's issues, just to avoid my own? For months people have told me how strong I have been through various situations, but I'm starting to think that this could have backfired on me. I have never been one to show any weaknesses, you gain a hard fascade very quickly after being bullied for three years of your life. But I think I've bottled everything up, and it has got to the stage where the great pile of upset, anger and fear has risen so high that it's about to fall down and collapse all around me. I am not strong. I never have been, I've just hidden it quite well. But I can't seem to do so any longer. I've used up every ounce of energy on trying to block all my problems and to "keep calm and carry on".

I need some form of help, but I don't know where from right now.

Currently, I am not me, and I hate myself for that. I've let people ruin me. I've let myself take all the pressure of some things, pretending that I was fine and that I could cope. I don't know why I did, clearly it has not worked now. I want this unorganised, unmotivated, depressed version of me to stop rearing its ugly head and to run off into a deep, dark chasm and leave me alone.

Sometimes, I think it would be so much easier to completely run away from it all, release all the pain and anguish, find something new, someone new who can be that peaceful, loving and calming influence that I so greatly need back in my life. But it is never that easy, is it?

[Apologies for depressing blog post, just needed an outlet.]

PS: Listen to Mumford & Sons album- it's bloody amazing.