So, Christmas has now been and nearly gone, it wasn't particularly amazing if I'm honest, although I did have a nice Christmas Eve with some of the faves which was lovely. Christmas itself was uneventful and ended a bit shit. So there goes the festive spirit until next year, which undoubtedly will probably be just as rubbish next time. Hey ho.
Well 2010 has nearly ended, and 2011 is upon us. My first issue with this is that I will no longer be able to use the phrase "lovin' life 2k10", and "lovin' life 2k11" doesn't have the same ring to it. Another problem with the fact that this year is at its end is looking back over the past 12 months and working out what you've learnt or experienced (supposedly for the better) year on year. I've always done this, but this time round, the change since December 09 to now is immense. A year ago I was in love, failing A-Levels and my family was barely together but I didn't care as I was happy. Today, I am in that respect "alone", not failing A-Levels so much anymore, my family is still a mess but now I care about it, I'm a stone or so heavier, my mum is very ill and I have depression. But somehow, 2010 has also been a really geniunely great year. I've made some great friends, improved friendships I already had into even better ones, had some amazing times, learnt how to study, learnt that heartbreak can eventually make you stronger, who I can trust, who I can rely on, who can make me smile, who I am as a person.
Someone asked me the other day what I regret from the past year, what I miss from what I once had. Yes, I detest being single and it would have been great if things could have ended on a different note between me and him, but I knew even in say February that it wouldn't last- nothing does when you're still a child. I don't regret loving him, I regret putting so much trust and effort into it all. The only thing from it that still strikes a sore note with me is how he ended it, but that was his 'fault', not mine. I've realised that I am better off without him, but you unfortunately only realise these things after you've had your heart broken into microscopic shreds which once felt like they were constantly stabbing you.
But even though it hurt, I think it's helped shape me as a person, so in some respects I suppose I am 'grateful' to have experienced that. I know I'll find someone new at some point, quite soon I hope, but I'm not going to jump into anything, not again. I may not like being single, but I'm not going to go out with someone unless I genuinely like them. I will not fall for sweet nothings again.
I am determined to do well in 2011. I will be happy again, I will succeed in what I want to do with my life, I will have fun.
Have I been "lovin' life 2k10"? Most of the time, yes, I have. (Even though this blog wouldn't necessarily always show you that). I started this blog a year ago and it is really wierd looking over past posts and thinking "what on earth was I thinking then?" or "how wrong was I?" or "wasn't that a great time?"
This blog has been an outlet to me, some form of therapy. And to those of you who bother reading my ramblings, I thank you.
Happy Christmas, Happy New Year. My new years resolution is to be happy, something I hope I can achieve. Guess we'll have to wait and see and no doubt you'll find out based on my blog posts :)
xxx
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